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All Character Quotes

Okay boys and girls, I'm pretty new here, but I've found the one thing I love reading are the quotes, the sad ones, the intense ones, the funny ones...oh...and don't forget...the Garcia ones! Here's a few to start you off!

Season 1
1x01 - Extreme Aggressor
Hotchner: This is Special Agent Spencer Reid. Gideon: Doctor Reid. Hotchner: Doctor Reid, our expert in just about everything.
Hotchner: This is Dr. Reid Heather’s Brother: Doctor? You seem too young to have gotten into Medical school... Reid:There are PhD's. Three of them. Heather’s Brother: Are you a genius or something? Reid:I don’t believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words per minute. [gets a weird look] Yes, I’m a genius.
Morgan: Reid, are you good with this? We’ve got a woman who’s only got a few hours left to live, an incomplete profile, and a Unit Chief on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Gideon: [enters the room] They don’t call them nervous breakdowns anymore. Reid: It's called a major depressive episode.
Morgan: [to Elle] Next time, show a little leg.
Gideon: "Try again. Fail again. Fail better." Reid: Samuel Beckett. Morgan: "Try not. Do or do not." Reid: Yoda.
Garcia: You've reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI's office of Supreme Genius. Morgan: Hey it's Morgan. I need you to work some magic here. I've got a program called Deadbolt Defence and a girl with only a couple hours to live so what do you know? Garcia: You've got a problem. Deadbolt's the number one password crack-resistant software out there. You're gonna have to get inside this guy's head to get the password. Morgan: I thought I was calling the office of Supreme Genius. Garcia: Well gorgeous, you've been re-routed to the office of Too Frickin' Bad.
Reid: [referring to Gideon] Do you know why he calls me Dr. Reid? Hotchner: Because they just see you as a kid. He wants them to treat you with respect.
1x02 - Compulsion
Elle: Chemical accelerant could mean chemistry student. Reid: It could also mean chemistry professor. Elle: I say student. You need self-confidence to lecture in front of a classroom full of 30 college kids. Arsonists are socially incompetent. This guy doesn’t go on dates, doesn’t go to parties, doesn’t feel comfortable in front of groups. [Reid looks at Elle] And of course he’s a total psychopath. Reid: Of course.
Patrol Guy: You’re one of those FBI guys. A profiler, right? Like, one look at the crime scene you can tell what kind of shampoo a killer uses. Gideon: You’re a bit skeptical. Patrol Guy: Maybe a little. Gideon: Your girlfriend thinks you’re going to break up with her. Patrol Guy: You’re kidding, right? (Later) Gideon: You broke up with her. No more necklace. Patrol Guy: Yeah, I kinda wanted to date someone else. Gideon: What's her name? Patrol Guy: Brian Gideon: Oh. Well, that's... That's a pretty good reason.
Garcia: Okay, you know how on Star Trek when Captain Kirk asked McCoy to do something totally impossible, and McCoy says, 'Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a miracle worker?' Morgan: Hey, what are you telling me? Not to expect a miracle? Garcia: No, I'm saying I'm not a doctor. Morgan: That's my girl.
Elle: Well, what is the most sinful place on campus? Morgan: Come on Elle, when I was in college it was everywhere.
Morgan: You know there’s got to be a faster way to do this. How about we just change the first question to ‘have you recently dated a homicidal pyromaniac?’
Gideon: No badges. I don’t want to satisfy the unsub’s need for attention by letting him know the FBI is here. Try not to look official. [looks at the team] Try to look less official.
Student: Clara, is the building on fire? Clara: Not yet.
Garcia: If I figure it out does it earn me a night of passionate love-making? Morgan: Most definitely, Sweetness. With Reid.
Gideon: You rely too much on precedent, you never allow for the unexpected.
1x03 - Won't Get Fooled Again
Mrs. Walker: Are you single? Elle: Yes. Mrs. Walker: I have a word of advice. Don’t marry the first guy that proposes.
Elle: I may have something. Barbara Keller was having some trouble insuring some coins she bought. The insurance company thought they might be fake. Hotchner: So the insurance company is blowing up annoying clients?
Morgan: My bomb fragments, let’s start putting this bad boy together. Garcia: Why bother, don’t you just dust for prints and...stuff? Morgan: Garcia, what are you doing in the FBI? Garcia: I didn’t get into medical school.
[Piecing together the bomb] Garcia:: If there was a longer rod it could have fit here and gone all the way through. [Morgan looks a her in surprise] Garcia: Tetris.
1x04 - Plain Sight
Gideon: Finding new ways to hurt each other is what we're good at.
Morgan: Why the Tommy Killer? Hotchner: You know the rock opera? Well, this unsub glues his victim's eyes wide open. Reid: He wants them to see him. Gideon: And feel them.
Hotchner: [about Reid] Isn't it amazing he knows what he knows and he's only 24? Gideon: Imagine what he'll know by fifty.
Elle: [seeing Reid having trouble blowing out the candles] I thought you were full of hot air, Reid.
Reid: [to Gideon, after JJ says "Spence, first piece for the birthday boy"] She's the only person in the whole world who calls me Spence.
Morgan: I hate not having a plan. We’re looking for a needle in a haystack. Reid: Actually, it’s more like we’re looking for a needle in a pile of needles. Morgan: What? Reid: A needle would stand out in a haystack. Morgan: [laughs] Okay and we're not looking for someone who stands out? Reid: No it's more like we're looking for a particular needle in a pile of needles.
Reid: You should see what comes up when you type "death" into a search engine. Morgan: No wonder you can't get a date.
Reid: Do you think it's weird that I knew that ballad? Elle: Reid, I don't know how you know half the stuff you know, but I'm glad you do. Reid: Do you think that's why I can't get a date? Elle: Have you ever asked anyone? Reid: [Reid shifts his eyes] No. Elle: That's why you can't get a date.
Gideon: There’s someone else on the plane that’s a huge Skins fan. Reid: Who? Gideon: The only person in the world who calls you 'Spence.' Reid: ...JJ? Gideon: She's a huge Skins fan. Reid: ...What should I say? Gideon: [Looks at Reid] Reid: [looks down at chess board] Checkmate.
1x05 - Broken Mirror
Reid: I don't know everything. I mean, despite the fact that you think I do. Morgan: I never said that. When have I ever said that? Reid: Every day since I met you. Elle: This morning at breakfast. Hotchner: Yesterday when he beat you at cards.
Mr. Davenport: [talking to Reid] Excuse me c-can you actually read that fast? Reid: Our conscious mind can process 16 bits of information per second, our unconscious however can process 11 million. [Mr. Davenport looks over at Gideon with a questioning look] Reid: Yes, I can actually read this fast.
Elle: [regarding Cheryl claiming that she can feel when something is wrong with her twin] You think Cheryl's a wackjob because she says she can feel her sister's anxiety? Morgan: I never said wackjob [Reid walks in] Reid: Actually there may be a physiological basis for it.. reuniting with her sister. Morgan: Don't ask. Reid: Reversed egg symmetry, eggs split late between 9 to 12 days, the DNA matches right down to the last stranded code, there are sporadic documents of shared physiological pain. Morgan: And you believe it? Reid: No I'm just saying its possible...
1x06 - L.D.S.K.
Hotchner: Well, I wouldn't have kept kicking you, I was afraid you didn't get my plan. Reid: I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire. Hotchner: Well I hope I didn't hurt you too badly. Reid: Hotch, I was a twelve year old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a nine year old girl.
Reid: I know I should feel bad about what happened. I mean, I killed a man. You know, I should feel something...but I don't. Gideon: Not knowing what you feel, that’s not the same as not feeling anything.
Hotchner: You ok? Nice shot. Reid: I was aiming for his leg.
Gideon: This is going to hit you, and when it does, there's only three facts you need to know. You did what you had to do, and a lot of good people are alive because of what you did. Reid: What's the third? Gideon: I'm proud of you.
1x07 - The Fox
JJ: (discussing Hotch's newborn baby) He's so gorgeous. Haley: Thank you. Reid: If you find baldness and wrinkles attractive.
Reid: Nobody takes therapy these days without a healthy dose of medication. Garcia: What are you implying, Reid? Reid: That everyone is medicated. Garcia: Did you just make a joke? Reid: No, I mean, statistics, they-they show it- Garcia: Reid, next time just say yes.
Morgan: That's what everybody says until they find the body in the basement.
Morgan: You move, I'm gonna break your neck.
Reid: Are you hacking into the government HMO database? Is that legal? Garcia: Of course not. We'll both go to prison and you'll become someone's *****. Reid: ...Really?
1x08 - Natural Born Killer
Hotchner: You were just responding to what you learned Vincent. When you grow up in an environment like that, an extremely abusive and violent household.. it's not surprising that some people grow up to become killers. Vincent: Some people? Hotchner: What's that? Vincent: You said some people grow up to become killers. Hotchner: ...And some people grow up to catch them.
[Garcia enters the room with a cardboard box.] Derek: Please tell me you brought some breakfast. Garcia: Trust me, sugar. You're not going to want to eat when you see what's in here.
Russo: Look, I don't speak smart ass. So, you got something to say to me?
Elle: Here's something...[puts her coffee cup on Garcia's desk]...What can you tell me about Vincent Sartori? [Garcia chucks coffee cup in the bin] Elle: I was still drinking that. Garcia: Not only is this equipment expensive, it's also extremely sensitive. [Spencer and Elle share a weird look]
[Elle is speaking about a criminal's sealed records] Elle: Can you get into those records? Spencer: Despite the fact that they were probably expunged, she can find the faintest echo of deletion, successfully recreate the file, thereby sending us all to prison for computer felony fraud counts. [Elle and Garcia share a weird look] Elle: We can make bail.
1x09 - Derailed
Reid: Tardive Dyskinesia Morgan: Once more for those without an encyclopedic memory?
Morgan: And remember, play into the guy's fantasy, believe it yourself. Reid: Actually, did you know that dentists and surgeons have been secretly recruited to implant these during otherwise normal medical procedures? This has been happening on and off since the late 1930s. [Morgan looks at him] Told me to believe.
Reid: Could at least one of you look like you're going to see me again?
Morgan: Come on, Reid, what are you talking about, a magic trick? Reid: Yeah I'm talkin' about a magic trick!
Elle: Gideon, will you tell him that I don't need to go to the hospital? Gideon: Regulations are regulations. You all right? Elle: I'm fine, Dad. Gideon: Elle? Elle: Yeah? Gideon: Don't ever call me Dad again. [Gideon walks away] Elle: I wonder how he'd feel about Mom? Reid: Let me know when you're going to do that so I can, uh, run.
Elle: Um, Reid you probably saved my life in there. Reid: Probably? I totally saved your life. And I'm pretty certain it's caught on tape.
1x10 - The Popular Kids
Morgan: So tell me, what does keep young Dr. Reid awake at night? Wait, let me guess. Memorizing some obscure textbook? No, no, no. Working on cold fusion? No, I got it, I got it, I got it. Watching Star Trek and laughing at all the Physics mistakes? Reid: Actually, there aren't that many scientific errors in Star Trek. Especially considering how long ago it was made. There are certain improbabilities, but not that many outright errors. Morgan: Right.
Gideon: [after finding out the local kids found a dead body in the woods and watched it decompose over a long period of time without reporting anything] This was a human being!
1x11 - Blood Hungry
Gideon: Garcia? Hotchner: Penelope...? The tech with the glasses...? Gideon: The room...the one with all the screens...? [Hotchner nods] She's great.
[Morgan walks in and startles Elle] Elle: Dude! Morgan: Dude? You're way too tense.
Hotchner: How is it having Gideon around? Garcia: You can have him back whenever you would like.
Hotchner: Sometimes what we don't do is every bit as powerful as what we do.
1x12 - What Fresh Hell?
Journalist: Come on, JJ. Gimme something. For old times sake. JJ: [sighs] Okay... [looks around, steps closer, whispers]) You may wanna rethink that tie.
Gideon: Hey Hotch, did you send flowers to that tech room girl Garcia and say they were from me? Hotchner: Yeah. Gideon: Why? Hotchner: Jason, people need to know that they're important and sometimes you forget that. Gideon: I already sent her a gift, an MP3 player. It lasts longer unless you drop it or the batteries die, whichever comes first. Hotchner: So she got two gifts? Gideon: What if she thinks I'm sweet on her!
1x13 - Poison
1x14 - Riding the Lightning
1x15 - Unfinished Business
Reid: What do you think of Ryan? Hotchner: He hasn't changed much. Reid: I think we can learn a lot from him. Hotchner: What could you possibly learn that you don't already know? Reid: Hotch, repetitive thinking is a death knell for the brain. For complete brain usage, diverse stimulation is the key.
Ryan: [reading second note] In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present. Gideon: He's quoting Sir Francis Bacon now. Ryan: I used this specific quote in my... Reid: In your book on page 184. I read it on the plane. Ryan: And you remember the page number and the quote? Morgan: Don't ask.
Morgan: So they've been here all night? Hotchner: Apparently. Elle: Where else would any of us be on a Saturday night? It's not like we have lives or anything. Morgan: Speak for yourself.
Ryan: Miss me? Gideon: No. Ryan: Just here to buy a book then, huh? Gideon: What can I say? Profilers, they fascinate me.
Gideon: Norman Maclean wrote, "It is those we live with and love and should know who elude us."
Gideon: Hmm...You look comfortable up there. Why don't you come back to the BAU for a guest lecture? Ryan: I'm retired, remember? Gideon: Hell of a way to relax, 323 pages on the one that got away. Ryan: He hasn't gotten away - and you didn't count that eight page prologue.
1x16 - The Tribe
Blackwolf: [to Gideon] You look like a college professor. [to Reid] You look like his student. [to Hotchner] You look like FBI.
Blackwolf: We don't do massacres. You do. Hotchner: Me personally? Blackwolf: Your government.
Officer: Are you trying to tell us that Indians wouldn’t be so brutal? Blackwolf: No, I’m saying that Indians wouldn’t be so confused.
Hotchner: This is a surprise. Haven’t cut your hair since Thanksgiving. Sean: That’s what you said at Christmas.
Sean: You saying that I can't take care of myself? Hotchner: No. This is my way of saying that I'm a jackass. Sean: I guess it's hereditary.
JJ: That’s Hotch’s brother? I don’t see it. Hotchner: Sean, listen to me. All I’m saying is that you’re 25 years old. Sean: You know what? Don’t profile me Aaron. [storms away] JJ: Now I see it.
Elle: Brother, as in that’s Hotch’s brother? Garcia: Maybe Hotch is adopted?
Gideon: Are the Ga'he good spirits or bad spirits? Blackwolf: They're both. Like men.
Blackwolf: Samuel, tell the men from the FBI who the Ga'he are. Reid: The Ga'he are mighty spirits who dwell in desert caves. Hotchner: Reid, is your name Samuel? Reid: Sorry
Reid: She's answering every question with just her name and Social Security Number. Hotchner: Like a prisoner of war.
Gideon: The children? Hotchner: Fine, we got them out before they got here. We took down these four. Reid: Without firing a shot? Blackwolf: Captain America here shot number 5. Hotchner: You’re welcome.
Blackwolf: I have other options besides shooting a man. Reid: Like negotiating. Blackwolf: Like running.
Blackwolf: There are many paths to the same place. Trust me. Hotchner: Just so you know, you sound like a fortune cookie.
1x17 - A Real Rain
Morgan: Do you have any idea how many cases run through there every year? Garcia: 122,998.
Hotchner: You’re a genius. Garcia: You’re just saying that ‘cause it’s true.
Reid: I'd like to see New York. Morgan: You've never been to New York? Reid: We've never had an unsub there. Hotchner: [to Gideon] I thought you were going to talk to Reid about taking some vacation time. Gideon: What's vacation time?
Elle: You guys, we're here in New York and even when we aren't talking about our case we end up talking about another profiler. Hotchner: You’re right. So Elle, you seeing anyone?
Reid: [to the waitress, after having difficulty with his chopsticks] Excuse me, could I get a fork perhaps? [group laughs] Did you know that experts credit Confucius with the advent of the chopstick. He equated knives with acts of aggression. Morgan: You don't know how to use them, do ya? Reid: It's like trying to forage for dinner with a pair of number two pencils. It’s absolutely incredible, 1.3 billion people stay nourished because of these things.
Officer: So are we looking for an ex-con or some nut job with an Amazon account?
Female Officer: [after hearing the unsub's profile] So we're looking for a small, angry, white guy with a day job?
Hotchner: Ok, here's what we know. Blitz attackers are almost always male. Morgan: Well, he got picked up in the pouring rain by a New York cabbie, so we definitely know he's not a brother.
1x18 - Somebody's Watching
Reid: Gideon, there are actually people taking photos of us from the next yard. Detective Owen Kim: Welcome to LA.
[Reid is trying unsuccessfully to convince Lila to come out of her swimming pool] Lila: Really, Spencer, you should live a little. Reid: Live a little? I've known you for 48 hours and I feel like I've aged 10 years!
Garcia: [answering phone] Oracle of Quantico. Speak if you deign to hear truth.
Morgan: [mimicking Lila after she shares Reid's drink] You don't mind sharing with me, do ya? Reid: Shut up. [turns and walks away] Morgan: Go get 'em, lover.
[The artist has just mentioned that she thinks her picture is boring] Gideon: Oh, I don't think so. I mean nothing's just a picture. If viewed correctly--whatever that means--one can see world views, obsessions, manifestations of the subconscious.
Gideon: We're leaving. Reid: We're still looking at the exhibit. Gideon: Now. [Reid turns to Lila and back to Gideon] Now. Now. Reid: I guess we're leaving. Gideon: Reid, now.
Parker Dunley: Spencer. Spencer Reid. Dude, dude. Look at you. You look just the same. Look at you dude, nothing’s changed. [to Gideon] Spencer was the only twelve year old in our graduating class. [to Reid again] Just the same.
Reid: Do I look twelve years old to you? Gideon: ...Fourteen?
1x19 - Machismo
Haley: Go, it’s all right. I’m not mad. [walks away] Hotchner: You heard her. She said it was all right. Jessica: You’re one hell of a profiler.
Jessica: You’re holding him like a cantaloupe. Hotchner: Why? You think you can do better? Here you go, smartypants. [Baby quiets down in her arms] Hotchner: Fine. Let’s see you profile a disorganized psychopath.
Morgan: Nothing like jet sleep, right? Elle: Yeah, kind of like a night of drinking without the drinking.
[Garcia rattles off some bad Spanish] Morgan: Easy there, Garcia. I think you just offended somebody’s mother. Garcia: Shut up you. I took French. What can I say? Morgan: Penelope, your last name is Garcia. Garcia: Yeah, I know. It’s my stepfather’s name. Do you want my genius or not?
JJ: At least you get to spend your birthday weekend in Mexico. Hotch: How do you say 'doghouse' in Spanish? Reid: La ca-sa del pair-o Elle: La casita del perro. Reid: That's what I said Elle: Face it chico, you are only a genius in English
Elle: [upon seeing the skeleton] Hotch! Hotchner: A little late.
Hotchner: Serial killers make lousy tourist attractions.
Gideon: In my experience, evil is not a cultural phenomenon - it's a human one.
1x20 - Charm and Harm
Morgan: Why are you acting so weird? Elle: We're sitting with a guy who knows that there are 800 kernels of corn on the average cob... Reid: ...Arranged in 16 separate rows. Elle: And you're calling me weird?
Gideon: [after finding Gregory's fake IDs] Look at all these driver's licenses, he could start his own DMV.
Garcia: Aaron, do you have any idea how many people drown every day? Hotchner: Well, yeah. They’re more in the summer for obvious reasons, but I think it averages to about 6500 a year, which is... 17 a day? Garcia: Is this Reid?
[Elle's phone rings] Morgan: Aww, that must be the boyfriend. Elle: Yes, it is. [answers phone] Hey, Gideon.
Doug Gregory: Are you telling me that young boys aren’t curious? Gideon: Sure, they’re curious, but not all peek into windows.
Elle: You really don't know someone till you take a road trip with them. Morgan: What are you trying to say? Elle: Look at this car, man. There's empty soda cans and fast food wrappers everywhere. You're a slob. You know, back at Quantico your desk was all neat, but I bet if you looked in those drawers you'd find a mess. Morgan: Okay, we have been on the road way too long.
Reid: How old was he when this happened? Doug Gregory: Ten. Reid: Were they close? Doug Gregory: She was his mother!
1x21 - Secrets and Lies
Gideon: Only beach you’ll see is on a postcard I send you from my vacation.
JJ: What do you suppose this is about? Reid: Call me cynical, but considering it's 2 a.m., I doubt it's good news. JJ: You are a genius.
Elle: [to Gideon] You said you would send a postcard from a beach. You lied. Reid: Yeah. You hate the beach.
Gideon: One thing I've learned over the years profiling CIA agents, spies are some of the smartest liars in the world. Be smarter.
Garcia: Hey, you know what this means? We can find out if Princess Diana's death really was accidental! JJ: I think this is exactly what got you on the list.
Reid: [after learning the CIA staged the victim's suicide] Boy, I'm glad not to have that job.
1x22 - The Fisher King (Part 1)
Morgan: [about Reid] He look OK to you? Elle: He looks about the way I would if I was gonna spend two weeks with my family.
JJ: [about the incredible Sir Kneighf] Please don’t tell me you have a crush on a fictional character. Garcia: He’s not fictional. He’s the online alter-ego of a real person. JJ: Hmmm, you don’t even know anything about him, even if it is…him. Garcia: Look, we meet online at specified times that he is never late to. We spend hours adventuring and chatting during which time I have his undivided attention and he lavishes me with flattery. When was the last time you had a date go that well? JJ: See if he’s got a fictional brother.
Morgan: Well, you all right there, Greenaway? Elle: Go away. Morgan: See you tomorrow? Elle: Afternoon. Guy: Afternoon? Elle: Don't speak.
Elle: [after Reid explains the medieval significance of the word "non"] Reid, do not ever go away again!
Jamaican Cop: Where is the victim’s head? Elle: Well, I must have dropped it on my way in here.
Killer: [on videotape] You will understand why it must be this way. You may even thank me. Elle: Don't hold your breath, scumbag.

Season 1

1x01 - Extreme Aggressor

Hotchner: This is Special Agent Spencer Reid.
Gideon: Doctor Reid.
Hotchner: Doctor Reid, our expert in just about everything.

Hotchner: This is Dr. Reid
Heather’s Brother: Doctor? You seem too young to have gotten into Medical school...
Reid:There are PhD's. Three of them.
Heather’s Brother: Are you a genius or something?
Reid:I don’t believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words per minute. [gets a weird look] Yes, I’m a genius.

Morgan: Reid, are you good with this? We’ve got a woman who’s only got a few hours left to live, an incomplete profile, and a Unit Chief on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Gideon: [enters the room] They don’t call them nervous breakdowns anymore.
Reid: It's called a major depressive episode.

Morgan: [to Elle] Next time, show a little leg.

Gideon: "Try again. Fail again. Fail better."
Reid: Samuel Beckett.
Morgan: "Try not. Do or do not."
Reid: Yoda.

Garcia: You've reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI's office of Supreme Genius.
Morgan: Hey it's Morgan. I need you to work some magic here. I've got a program called Deadbolt Defence and a girl with only a couple hours to live so what do you know?
Garcia: You've got a problem. Deadbolt's the number one password crack-resistant software out there. You're gonna have to get inside this guy's head to get the password.
Morgan: I thought I was calling the office of Supreme Genius.
Garcia: Well gorgeous, you've been re-routed to the office of Too Frickin' Bad.

Reid: [referring to Gideon] Do you know why he calls me Dr. Reid?
Hotchner: Because they just see you as a kid. He wants them to treat you with respect.

1x02 - Compulsion

Elle: Chemical accelerant could mean chemistry student.
Reid: It could also mean chemistry professor.
Elle: I say student. You need self-confidence to lecture in front of a classroom full of 30 college kids. Arsonists are socially incompetent. This guy doesn’t go on dates, doesn’t go to parties, doesn’t feel comfortable in front of groups. [Reid looks at Elle] And of course he’s a total psychopath.
Reid: Of course.

Patrol Guy: You’re one of those FBI guys. A profiler, right? Like, one look at the crime scene you can tell what kind of shampoo a killer uses.
Gideon: You’re a bit skeptical.
Patrol Guy: Maybe a little.
Gideon: Your girlfriend thinks you’re going to break up with her.
Patrol Guy: You’re kidding, right?
(Later)
Gideon: You broke up with her. No more necklace.
Patrol Guy: Yeah, I kinda wanted to date someone else.
Gideon: What's her name?
Patrol Guy: Brian
Gideon: Oh. Well, that's... That's a pretty good reason.

Garcia: Okay, you know how on Star Trek when Captain Kirk asked McCoy to do something totally impossible, and McCoy says, 'Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a miracle worker?'
Morgan: Hey, what are you telling me? Not to expect a miracle?
Garcia: No, I'm saying I'm not a doctor.
Morgan: That's my girl.

Elle: Well, what is the most sinful place on campus?
Morgan: Come on Elle, when I was in college it was everywhere.

Morgan: You know there’s got to be a faster way to do this. How about we just change the first question to ‘have you recently dated a homicidal pyromaniac?’

Gideon: No badges. I don’t want to satisfy the unsub’s need for attention by letting him know the FBI is here. Try not to look official. [looks at the team] Try to look less official.

Student: Clara, is the building on fire?
Clara: Not yet.

Garcia: If I figure it out does it earn me a night of passionate love-making?
Morgan: Most definitely, Sweetness. With Reid.

Gideon: You rely too much on precedent, you never allow for the unexpected.

1x03 - Won't Get Fooled Again

Mrs. Walker: Are you single?
Elle: Yes.
Mrs. Walker: I have a word of advice. Don’t marry the first guy that proposes.

Elle: I may have something. Barbara Keller was having some trouble insuring some coins she bought. The insurance company thought they might be fake.
Hotchner: So the insurance company is blowing up annoying clients?

Morgan: My bomb fragments, let’s start putting this bad boy together.
Garcia: Why bother, don’t you just dust for prints and...stuff?
Morgan: Garcia, what are you doing in the FBI?
Garcia: I didn’t get into medical school.

[Piecing together the bomb]
Garcia:: If there was a longer rod it could have fit here and gone all the way through.
[Morgan looks a her in surprise]
Garcia: Tetris.

1x04 - Plain Sight

Gideon: Finding new ways to hurt each other is what we're good at.

Morgan: Why the Tommy Killer?
Hotchner: You know the rock opera? Well, this unsub glues his victim's eyes wide open.
Reid: He wants them to see him.
Gideon: And feel them.

Hotchner: [about Reid] Isn't it amazing he knows what he knows and he's only 24?
Gideon: Imagine what he'll know by fifty.

Elle: [seeing Reid having trouble blowing out the candles] I thought you were full of hot air, Reid.

Reid: [to Gideon, after JJ says "Spence, first piece for the birthday boy"] She's the only person in the whole world who calls me Spence.

Morgan: I hate not having a plan. We’re looking for a needle in a haystack.
Reid: Actually, it’s more like we’re looking for a needle in a pile of needles.
Morgan: What?
Reid: A needle would stand out in a haystack.
Morgan: [laughs] Okay and we're not looking for someone who stands out?
Reid: No it's more like we're looking for a particular needle in a pile of needles.

Reid: You should see what comes up when you type "death" into a search engine.
Morgan: No wonder you can't get a date.

Reid: Do you think it's weird that I knew that ballad?
Elle: Reid, I don't know how you know half the stuff you know, but I'm glad you do.
Reid: Do you think that's why I can't get a date?
Elle: Have you ever asked anyone?
Reid: [Reid shifts his eyes] No.
Elle: That's why you can't get a date.

Gideon: There’s someone else on the plane that’s a huge Skins fan.
Reid: Who?
Gideon: The only person in the world who calls you 'Spence.'
Reid: ...JJ?
Gideon: She's a huge Skins fan.
Reid: ...What should I say?
Gideon: [Looks at Reid]
Reid: [looks down at chess board] Checkmate.

1x05 - Broken Mirror

Reid: I don't know everything. I mean, despite the fact that you think I do.
Morgan: I never said that. When have I ever said that?
Reid: Every day since I met you.
Elle: This morning at breakfast.
Hotchner: Yesterday when he beat you at cards.

Mr. Davenport: [talking to Reid] Excuse me c-can you actually read that fast?
Reid: Our conscious mind can process 16 bits of information per second, our unconscious however can process 11 million.
[Mr. Davenport looks over at Gideon with a questioning look]
Reid: Yes, I can actually read this fast.

Elle: [regarding Cheryl claiming that she can feel when something is wrong with her twin] You think Cheryl's a wackjob because she says she can feel her sister's anxiety?
Morgan: I never said wackjob
[Reid walks in]
Reid: Actually there may be a physiological basis for it.. reuniting with her sister.
Morgan: Don't ask.
Reid: Reversed egg symmetry, eggs split late between 9 to 12 days, the DNA matches right down to the last stranded code, there are sporadic documents of shared physiological pain.
Morgan: And you believe it?
Reid: No I'm just saying its possible...

1x06 - L.D.S.K.

Hotchner: Well, I wouldn't have kept kicking you, I was afraid you didn't get my plan.
Reid: I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire.
Hotchner: Well I hope I didn't hurt you too badly.
Reid: Hotch, I was a twelve year old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a nine year old girl.

Reid: I know I should feel bad about what happened. I mean, I killed a man. You know, I should feel something...but I don't.
Gideon: Not knowing what you feel, that’s not the same as not feeling anything.

Hotchner: You ok? Nice shot.
Reid: I was aiming for his leg.

Gideon: This is going to hit you, and when it does, there's only three facts you need to know. You did what you had to do, and a lot of good people are alive because of what you did.
Reid: What's the third?
Gideon: I'm proud of you.

1x07 - The Fox

JJ: (discussing Hotch's newborn baby) He's so gorgeous.
Haley: Thank you.
Reid: If you find baldness and wrinkles attractive.

Reid: Nobody takes therapy these days without a healthy dose of medication.
Garcia: What are you implying, Reid?
Reid: That everyone is medicated.
Garcia: Did you just make a joke?
Reid: No, I mean, statistics, they-they show it-
Garcia: Reid, next time just say yes.

Morgan: That's what everybody says until they find the body in the basement.

Morgan: You move, I'm gonna break your neck.

Reid: Are you hacking into the government HMO database? Is that legal?
Garcia: Of course not. We'll both go to prison and you'll become someone's *****.
Reid: ...Really?

1x08 - Natural Born Killer

Hotchner: You were just responding to what you learned Vincent. When you grow up in an environment like that, an extremely abusive and violent household.. it's not surprising that some people grow up to become killers.
Vincent: Some people?
Hotchner: What's that?
Vincent: You said some people grow up to become killers.
Hotchner: ...And some people grow up to catch them.

[Garcia enters the room with a cardboard box.]
Derek: Please tell me you brought some breakfast.
Garcia: Trust me, sugar. You're not going to want to eat when you see what's in here.

Russo: Look, I don't speak smart ass. So, you got something to say to me?

Elle: Here's something...[puts her coffee cup on Garcia's desk]...What can you tell me about Vincent Sartori?
[Garcia chucks coffee cup in the bin]
Elle: I was still drinking that.
Garcia: Not only is this equipment expensive, it's also extremely sensitive.
[Spencer and Elle share a weird look]

[Elle is speaking about a criminal's sealed records]
Elle: Can you get into those records?
Spencer: Despite the fact that they were probably expunged, she can find the faintest echo of deletion, successfully recreate the file, thereby sending us all to prison for computer felony fraud counts.
[Elle and Garcia share a weird look]
Elle: We can make bail.

1x09 - Derailed

Reid: Tardive Dyskinesia
Morgan: Once more for those without an encyclopedic memory?

Morgan: And remember, play into the guy's fantasy, believe it yourself.
Reid: Actually, did you know that dentists and surgeons have been secretly recruited to implant these during otherwise normal medical procedures? This has been happening on and off since the late 1930s. [Morgan looks at him] Told me to believe.

Reid: Could at least one of you look like you're going to see me again?

Morgan: Come on, Reid, what are you talking about, a magic trick?
Reid: Yeah I'm talkin' about a magic trick!

Elle: Gideon, will you tell him that I don't need to go to the hospital?
Gideon: Regulations are regulations. You all right?
Elle: I'm fine, Dad.
Gideon: Elle?
Elle: Yeah?
Gideon: Don't ever call me Dad again.
[Gideon walks away]
Elle: I wonder how he'd feel about Mom?
Reid: Let me know when you're going to do that so I can, uh, run.

Elle: Um, Reid you probably saved my life in there.
Reid: Probably? I totally saved your life. And I'm pretty certain it's caught on tape.

1x10 - The Popular Kids

Morgan: So tell me, what does keep young Dr. Reid awake at night? Wait, let me guess. Memorizing some obscure textbook? No, no, no. Working on cold fusion? No, I got it, I got it, I got it. Watching Star Trek and laughing at all the Physics mistakes?
Reid: Actually, there aren't that many scientific errors in Star Trek. Especially considering how long ago it was made. There are certain improbabilities, but not that many outright errors.
Morgan: Right.

Gideon: [after finding out the local kids found a dead body in the woods and watched it decompose over a long period of time without reporting anything] This was a human being!

1x11 - Blood Hungry

Gideon: Garcia?
Hotchner: Penelope...? The tech with the glasses...?
Gideon: The room...the one with all the screens...? [Hotchner nods] She's great.

[Morgan walks in and startles Elle]
Elle: Dude!
Morgan: Dude? You're way too tense.

Hotchner: How is it having Gideon around?
Garcia: You can have him back whenever you would like.

Hotchner: Sometimes what we don't do is every bit as powerful as what we do.

1x12 - What Fresh Hell?

Journalist: Come on, JJ. Gimme something. For old times sake.
JJ: [sighs] Okay... [looks around, steps closer, whispers]) You may wanna rethink that tie.

Gideon: Hey Hotch, did you send flowers to that tech room girl Garcia and say they were from me?
Hotchner: Yeah.
Gideon: Why?
Hotchner: Jason, people need to know that they're important and sometimes you forget that.
Gideon: I already sent her a gift, an MP3 player. It lasts longer unless you drop it or the batteries die, whichever comes first.
Hotchner: So she got two gifts?
Gideon: What if she thinks I'm sweet on her!

1x13 - Poison

1x14 - Riding the Lightning

1x15 - Unfinished Business

Reid: What do you think of Ryan?
Hotchner: He hasn't changed much.
Reid: I think we can learn a lot from him.
Hotchner: What could you possibly learn that you don't already know?
Reid: Hotch, repetitive thinking is a death knell for the brain. For complete brain usage, diverse stimulation is the key.

Ryan: [reading second note] In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.
Gideon: He's quoting Sir Francis Bacon now.
Ryan: I used this specific quote in my...
Reid: In your book on page 184. I read it on the plane.
Ryan: And you remember the page number and the quote?
Morgan: Don't ask.

Morgan: So they've been here all night?
Hotchner: Apparently.
Elle: Where else would any of us be on a Saturday night? It's not like we have lives or anything.
Morgan: Speak for yourself.

Ryan: Miss me?
Gideon: No.
Ryan: Just here to buy a book then, huh?
Gideon: What can I say? Profilers, they fascinate me.

Gideon: Norman Maclean wrote, "It is those we live with and love and should know who elude us."

Gideon: Hmm...You look comfortable up there. Why don't you come back to the BAU for a guest lecture?
Ryan: I'm retired, remember?
Gideon: Hell of a way to relax, 323 pages on the one that got away.
Ryan: He hasn't gotten away - and you didn't count that eight page prologue.

1x16 - The Tribe

Blackwolf: [to Gideon] You look like a college professor. [to Reid] You look like his student. [to Hotchner] You look like FBI.

Blackwolf: We don't do massacres. You do.
Hotchner: Me personally?
Blackwolf: Your government.

Officer: Are you trying to tell us that Indians wouldn’t be so brutal?
Blackwolf: No, I’m saying that Indians wouldn’t be so confused.

Hotchner: This is a surprise. Haven’t cut your hair since Thanksgiving.
Sean: That’s what you said at Christmas.

Sean: You saying that I can't take care of myself?
Hotchner: No. This is my way of saying that I'm a jackass.
Sean: I guess it's hereditary.

JJ: That’s Hotch’s brother? I don’t see it.
Hotchner: Sean, listen to me. All I’m saying is that you’re 25 years old.
Sean: You know what? Don’t profile me Aaron. [storms away]
JJ: Now I see it.

Elle: Brother, as in that’s Hotch’s brother?
Garcia: Maybe Hotch is adopted?

Gideon: Are the Ga'he good spirits or bad spirits?
Blackwolf: They're both. Like men.

Blackwolf: Samuel, tell the men from the FBI who the Ga'he are.
Reid: The Ga'he are mighty spirits who dwell in desert caves.
Hotchner: Reid, is your name Samuel?
Reid: Sorry

Reid: She's answering every question with just her name and Social Security Number.
Hotchner: Like a prisoner of war.

Gideon: The children?
Hotchner: Fine, we got them out before they got here. We took down these four.
Reid: Without firing a shot?
Blackwolf: Captain America here shot number 5.
Hotchner: You’re welcome.

Blackwolf: I have other options besides shooting a man.
Reid: Like negotiating.
Blackwolf: Like running.

Blackwolf: There are many paths to the same place. Trust me.
Hotchner: Just so you know, you sound like a fortune cookie.

1x17 - A Real Rain

Morgan: Do you have any idea how many cases run through there every year?
Garcia: 122,998.

Hotchner: You’re a genius.
Garcia: You’re just saying that ‘cause it’s true.

Reid: I'd like to see New York.
Morgan: You've never been to New York?
Reid: We've never had an unsub there.
Hotchner: [to Gideon] I thought you were going to talk to Reid about taking some vacation time.
Gideon: What's vacation time?

Elle: You guys, we're here in New York and even when we aren't talking about our case we end up talking about another profiler.
Hotchner: You’re right. So Elle, you seeing anyone?

Reid: [to the waitress, after having difficulty with his chopsticks] Excuse me, could I get a fork perhaps? [group laughs] Did you know that experts credit Confucius with the advent of the chopstick. He equated knives with acts of aggression.
Morgan: You don't know how to use them, do ya?
Reid: It's like trying to forage for dinner with a pair of number two pencils. It’s absolutely incredible, 1.3 billion people stay nourished because of these things.

Officer: So are we looking for an ex-con or some nut job with an Amazon account?

Female Officer: [after hearing the unsub's profile] So we're looking for a small, angry, white guy with a day job?

Hotchner: Ok, here's what we know. Blitz attackers are almost always male.
Morgan: Well, he got picked up in the pouring rain by a New York cabbie, so we definitely know he's not a brother.

1x18 - Somebody's Watching

Reid: Gideon, there are actually people taking photos of us from the next yard.
Detective Owen Kim: Welcome to LA.

[Reid is trying unsuccessfully to convince Lila to come out of her swimming pool]
Lila: Really, Spencer, you should live a little.
Reid: Live a little? I've known you for 48 hours and I feel like I've aged 10 years!

Garcia: [answering phone] Oracle of Quantico. Speak if you deign to hear truth.

Morgan: [mimicking Lila after she shares Reid's drink] You don't mind sharing with me, do ya?
Reid: Shut up. [turns and walks away]
Morgan: Go get 'em, lover.

[The artist has just mentioned that she thinks her picture is boring]
Gideon: Oh, I don't think so. I mean nothing's just a picture. If viewed correctly--whatever that means--one can see world views, obsessions, manifestations of the subconscious.

Gideon: We're leaving.
Reid: We're still looking at the exhibit.
Gideon: Now. [Reid turns to Lila and back to Gideon] Now. Now.
Reid: I guess we're leaving.
Gideon: Reid, now.

Parker Dunley: Spencer. Spencer Reid. Dude, dude. Look at you. You look just the same. Look at you dude, nothing’s changed. [to Gideon] Spencer was the only twelve year old in our graduating class. [to Reid again] Just the same.

Reid: Do I look twelve years old to you?
Gideon: ...Fourteen?

1x19 - Machismo

Haley: Go, it’s all right. I’m not mad. [walks away]
Hotchner: You heard her. She said it was all right.
Jessica: You’re one hell of a profiler.

Jessica: You’re holding him like a cantaloupe.
Hotchner: Why? You think you can do better? Here you go, smartypants.
[Baby quiets down in her arms]
Hotchner: Fine. Let’s see you profile a disorganized psychopath.

Morgan: Nothing like jet sleep, right?
Elle: Yeah, kind of like a night of drinking without the drinking.

[Garcia rattles off some bad Spanish]
Morgan: Easy there, Garcia. I think you just offended somebody’s mother.
Garcia: Shut up you. I took French. What can I say?
Morgan: Penelope, your last name is Garcia.
Garcia: Yeah, I know. It’s my stepfather’s name. Do you want my genius or not?

JJ: At least you get to spend your birthday weekend in Mexico.
Hotch: How do you say 'doghouse' in Spanish?
Reid: La ca-sa del pair-o
Elle: La casita del perro.
Reid: That's what I said
Elle: Face it chico, you are only a genius in English

Elle: [upon seeing the skeleton] Hotch!
Hotchner: A little late.

Hotchner: Serial killers make lousy tourist attractions.

Gideon: In my experience, evil is not a cultural phenomenon - it's a human one.

1x20 - Charm and Harm

Morgan: Why are you acting so weird?
Elle: We're sitting with a guy who knows that there are 800 kernels of corn on the average cob...
Reid: ...Arranged in 16 separate rows.
Elle: And you're calling me weird?

Gideon: [after finding Gregory's fake IDs] Look at all these driver's licenses, he could start his own DMV.

Garcia: Aaron, do you have any idea how many people drown every day?
Hotchner: Well, yeah. They’re more in the summer for obvious reasons, but I think it averages to about 6500 a year, which is... 17 a day?
Garcia: Is this Reid?

[Elle's phone rings]
Morgan: Aww, that must be the boyfriend.
Elle: Yes, it is. [answers phone] Hey, Gideon.

Doug Gregory: Are you telling me that young boys aren’t curious?
Gideon: Sure, they’re curious, but not all peek into windows.

Elle: You really don't know someone till you take a road trip with them.
Morgan: What are you trying to say?
Elle: Look at this car, man. There's empty soda cans and fast food wrappers everywhere. You're a slob. You know, back at Quantico your desk was all neat, but I bet if you looked in those drawers you'd find a mess.
Morgan: Okay, we have been on the road way too long.

Reid: How old was he when this happened?
Doug Gregory: Ten.
Reid: Were they close?
Doug Gregory: She was his mother!

1x21 - Secrets and Lies

Gideon: Only beach you’ll see is on a postcard I send you from my vacation.

JJ: What do you suppose this is about?
Reid: Call me cynical, but considering it's 2 a.m., I doubt it's good news.
JJ: You are a genius.

Elle: [to Gideon] You said you would send a postcard from a beach. You lied.
Reid: Yeah. You hate the beach.

Gideon: One thing I've learned over the years profiling CIA agents, spies are some of the smartest liars in the world. Be smarter.

Garcia: Hey, you know what this means? We can find out if Princess Diana's death really was accidental!
JJ: I think this is exactly what got you on the list.

Reid: [after learning the CIA staged the victim's suicide] Boy, I'm glad not to have that job.

1x22 - The Fisher King (Part 1)

Morgan: [about Reid] He look OK to you?
Elle: He looks about the way I would if I was gonna spend two weeks with my family.

JJ: [about the incredible Sir Kneighf] Please don’t tell me you have a crush on a fictional character.
Garcia: He’s not fictional. He’s the online alter-ego of a real person.
JJ: Hmmm, you don’t even know anything about him, even if it is…him.
Garcia: Look, we meet online at specified times that he is never late to. We spend hours adventuring and chatting during which time I have his undivided attention and he lavishes me with flattery. When was the last time you had a date go that well?
JJ: See if he’s got a fictional brother.

Morgan: Well, you all right there, Greenaway?
Elle: Go away.
Morgan: See you tomorrow?
Elle: Afternoon.
Guy: Afternoon?
Elle: Don't speak.

Elle: [after Reid explains the medieval significance of the word "non"] Reid, do not ever go away again!

Jamaican Cop: Where is the victim’s head?
Elle: Well, I must have dropped it on my way in here.

Killer: [on videotape] You will understand why it must be this way. You may even thank me.
Elle: Don't hold your breath, scumbag.

Doubt [3.1]
Gideon: Spree killings in a confined area are a race. He's racing to kill as many as he can; we're racing to stop him.

Gideon: How long can you hold that lawyer off?
Hotch: Are you kidding? I was a prosecutor; I can hold him off for days.

Prentiss: (about Nathan Tubbs) I'll sleep when he confesses.
JJ: We all will.

Morgan: I know how bad cops wanna believe they got the right guy. I've been on both sides of that.

Section Chief Strauss: You’re suspended for two weeks without pay pending an investigation of your conduct. And, Agent Hotchner, if it was solely up to me? You would never get these credentials back.
Hotch: Always a pleasure.

In Name and Blood / Birth and Death [3.2]
Morgan: What if we don’t want a new Unit Chief?
Hotchner: Well maybe the next one won’t be such a drill sergeant.
Morgan: Look, man, are you a pain in my ass? Yes, sir! But wantin' to hang out with you, and needin' you to lead this team are two very different things.

Section Chief Erin Strauss: None of you will ever move up the chain of command, you know that.
Hotchner: Why would I ever want to leave the BAU?

Morgan: Garcia, baby girl, please tell me something I want to hear.
Garcia: You are a statuesque god of sculpted chocolate thunder.
Morgan: How about something I don't already know?
Garcia: (after an intentional pause) I have a sweet tooth.

Garcia: [answering phone] Talk dirty to me.
Section Chief Erin Strauss: This is Section Chief Erin Strauss.
Garcia: [horrified and red-faced] Ma'am, I think it goes without saying that I was expecting it to be someone else.
Garcia: [answering phone later] FBI Technical Analyst Penelope Garcia speaking.

Haley Hotchner: Aaron, stop! Don’t make me the monster here. I feel sick about these women, but when this case is over there will be another one, and another one, and another one. It is never going to stop.
Hotchner: This is who I am.
Haley Hotchner: No. This is what you do.
Hotchner: I’m trying to do the right thing – here and there – and I would really appreciate a little support.
Haley Hotchner: Oh, that’s right, because you always need to be the hero.
Hotchner: Don’t give me that.
Haley Hotchner: No, obviously a happy life isn’t enough for you.

Gideon: I guess I’m just looking for it again – for the belief I had back in college, the belief I had when I first met Sarah and it all seemed so right. The belief in happy endings.

Scared to Death [3.3]
Reid: It hit me when Morgan freaked out when we were stuck in the elevator.
Prentiss: You got stuck in an elevator?
Morgan: I freaked?
Reid: That’s not important.

Dr. Stan Howard: (to Hotchner) I think your greatest fear is that you can't save everyone. It is worse than I thought.

Children of the Dark [3.4]
Prentiss: These guys are killing the Cleavers.
Reid: Strange.
Hotch: The pattern?
Reid: No, the Cleavers. Of all the names for a 1950s idyllic TV family. I mean it’s rife with violent implication. Kind of makes you wonder how the writers really felt about suburbia, huh?
Hotch: Focus, please!

Seven Seconds [3.5]
Morgan: [examining camera surveillance footage' Well, can't you get a better angle?
Garcia: Sugar, I'm not London here; I can only work with what they have. And, believe me when I tell you, the 1980s just called. They want their security system back.

Officer: Thing is, there's still a man out there who hasn't been caught.
Hotch: I know. And there always will be. But today we made a difference.

About Face [3.6]
Rossi: I'm just saying... sharing is a learned skill.

Garcia: [answering phone] Speak and be recognized by your empress, mortal.
Rossi: Is this the technical analyst girl?

Identity [3.7]
Emily: (teasing Reid about coloring in a map) You know I could have gotten you a coloring book at the airport.
Reid: I'm creating a topagraphical map weighing down and geocoding all key locations looking for algarithoms.
Emily: (nods, confused) Yeah, thats exactly what I thought you were doing.

Garcia: [reviewing Goehring's records] He also appears in a federal database for - get this - aggressive militia groups.
JJ: Aggressive militia groups. Is there any other type?
Garcia: Uh hmm. That's your federal government at work. We specialize in redundancy.

Trailer Park Manager: What the hell do you want? Can't you read?
Reid: I'm not a salesman. I'm with the FBI.
Trailer Park Manager: FBI? You're not serious! You look like a pipe cleaner with eyes. I could snap you like a twig.
Rossi: But then... [steps into frame and flashes credentials] ...he isn't alone.

Reid: A popular theory among leading astrophysicists estimate that the hyper-matter reactor would need about 10 to the 32nd joules of energy to destroy a planet the size of earth. Now, Lucas said it took 19 years to build the first Death Star, right, but if you look at the new essential chronology there’s a test bed prototype for a super laser that’s been… Where you going?
Morgan: Taking back the last five minutes of my life.

Lucky [3.8]
Morgan: My mother took us to church every Sunday until I moved out. This whole devil thing doesn't spook me at all.
Reid: Maybe that's because you never truly bought the God part either.
Morgan: No offense kid but you don't know what I believe.
Reid: Well, I mean, logic dictates that if you believe in the one you have to reconcile the existence of the other.
Hotchner: People's reactions to Satan is what gives it appeal to these offenders. It has power and it would be a mistake to underestimate it.

Emily: Hey, whats going on with you and Morgan?
Garcia: I told him about this guy I met at the coffee shop...
Emily: Oh, say no more.
[Emily hangs up the phone and walks over to Morgan who has been eavesdropping behind her]
Emily: When a woman tells a man about her feelings, she doesn't want him to fix her, she wants him to shutup and listen.

Penelope [3.9]
JJ: She's in surgery, there's no word.
Reid: This is crazy.

Emily: Where's Morgan?
JJ: He's not answering his cell.
Reid: I'll call him again.

JJ: [Morgan walks in] She's been in surgery a couple hours.
Morgan: I was in church; my phone was off.
Reid: There's nothing you could have been doing here.

Hotch: [considering if the killer shot Garcia just to steal her purse.] Why does he risk coming into an enclosed courtyard?
Rossi: World's boldest purse-snatching?

Morgan: [Referring to Garcia] I asked her to go out last night but she was pissed at me; she blew me off.
Reid: So you ended up at church?
Morgan: Yeah, what does it mean? On one hand if she had gone out with me she would have never got shot. On the other hand, what are the odds the first time I pray in 20 years she's on the table?

Garcia: [To Reid and Morgan] When I was in the ambulance I could hear the song "Heroes" playing in my head. I kept flashing in and out of consciousness and I remember thinking, "Wait. Is David Bowie really God?"

Garcia: Have fun getting out the wormhole.

Morgan: I'm not going anywhere.
Garcia: What?
Morgan: No, that couch right there is going to be my best friend until we catch this guy.
Garcia: Fine. But if you're thinking about taking advantage of me, let me call my doctor so he can come revive me.
Morgan: (chuckles) Hey, Silly Girl.
Garcia: Yeah?
Morgan: I love you, you know that?
Garcia: I love you, too.

True Night [3.10]
Garcia: Honey, I know you love me, but the prospect of you whirling around here trying to fix this is actually more frightening than getting shot.

Reid: You should have listened to me.
Morgan: It wouldn't have saved that much time, Reid. Let it go.
Reid: The interchange between the 405 and 101 freeways is consistently rated the worst interchange in the entire world.
Morgan: Why do you know that?
Reid: It's in the government report.
Morgan: So what?
Reid: So, you work for the government. You don't read the reports?
Morgan: On traffic patterns in a city twenty-five hundred miles away from where I live?
Reid: Twenty-two hundred and ninety-four miles.
Morgan: Don't make me smack you in front of all these people.
[Later on]
Morgan: [on the phone with Garcia] Just leave it alone until I get there. Hey, hey, hardhead. Don't make me spank you when I get back.
Reid: Don't listen to him Garcia, he's all talk! [Morgan smacks Reid's head] Ow! JJ, he just hit me!
JJ: [not looking up] Boys, behave or I will ground you both.

Reid: Sometimes for an artist, the only difference between insanity and genius is success.

Garcia: Do you know who Frank Miller is?
Morgan: Frank Miller... Sounds familiar. Un-sub?
Garcia: [laughs] No, graphic novelist. 300? Sin City?
Morgan: Oh, right, right, right. Cool movies.
Garcia: He said something once and it makes me think of you. "The noir hero is a knight in blood caked armor. He's dirty and he does his best to deny the fact that he's a hero the whole time."

Birthright [3.11]
Hotch: You ok?
JJ: You stop caring, you're jaded. If you care too much, it'll ruin you.
Hotch: Just know that you did everything you could. Sometimes we get it right with a little luck and most of the times we don't. That's the job. It's never perfect. It's still better to care.
JJ: You really believe that?
Hotch: I believe it's never perfect.

Damaged [3.14]
Garcia: There is really no acceptable excuse for violence, but for you I am making an exception. [opens the front door] Oh my God, Agent Rossi!

JJ: (looking at her files) (sarcastically) I'm not busy at all.
Garcia: So you don't want to hear about Agent Rossi showing up at my apartment after I had a post-coital shower with fellow FBI technical analyst Kevin Lynch?
JJ: (head snaps up) Sit.

Kevin: Agent Rossi we need to talk....about Penelope......man-to-man.
Rossi: Man-to-man?
Morgan: What about Penelope?
JJ: [in a sing-song voice] Garcia and Kevin sitting in a tree... [walks away]
Morgan: Get out of here... you serious? [walks away]
Prentiss: Just when I thought that nothing scandalous was ever going to happen around here.
Reid: What? What does that mean?
Prentiss: Didn't you hear JJ?
Reid: The song meant something? No. No, I missed it.
Prentiss: It... it... it... You know what? Never mind.

A Higher Power [3.15]
Prentiss: Is there any possibility that, while we've been talking, you've been multitasking?
Garcia: What? Find Redding's address?
Prentiss: I love you, Penelope Garcia.
Garcia: Get in line!

Elephant's Memory [3.16]
John: Here... Take this. It's my one-year medallion, took me six years to get it. For the past thirteen years I've never left home without it. Because I know if I forget that, I'll loose my gun, my credentials, my home... everything. Hold on to it.
Reid: I only have ten months.
John: I know.
Reid: It's your most priced possession.
John: It is.
Reid: You're just giving it to me?
John: No... In a couple a months, when you get your year, you can give it back to me.
Reid: I really don't understand.
John: You will.

Reid: Sorry I'm late.
Rossi: I hope she was worth it.
Morgan: I hope it was a 'she'.

Garcia: (drinking coffee) The kid's tech savvy, sir. But fret not. I am tech savvier. Is that a word? That sounds like a word. If it is a word, I'm it.
Prentiss: D.C. time, Garcia.
Garcia: 11:17 a.m.
Prentiss: D.C. Decaf.

Rod Norris: (speaking to a creaking tree) You wake me again tonight... there'll be a chainsaw for you.

In Heat [3.17]
Prentiss: He could be suffering from Cluster B.
Det. Tina Lopez: Cluster B?
Reid: Uh... a cluster of personality disorders. It's also called the erratic, dramatic, emotional cluster, an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that differentiates itself markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture. It manifests itself-
Morgan: [cutting in] This guy's a sick dude.

Garcia: [via phone to team] Prints belong to Deacon Rogers, Odessa, Texas. He's had a couple of minor arrests - one for marijuana possession, one for lewd behavior, which I'm guessing is code for "gay" in Texas

Tabula Rasa [3.19]
[about a photo]
Reid: It's remarkable. Something like this makes you question everything you thought you knew.
Garcia: Yeah. Like the monolith in 2001.
Reid: So there was actually a time when something like this was socially acceptable?
Garcia: Oh, you're young. The eighties left a lot of people confused. This is especially sad, though.
[The photo is revealed to be of Prentiss in high school, dressed in punk clothing]
Prentiss: (Grabs photo) Alright, very funny, guys. Very funny. What'd you do to it?
Garcia: Do?
Prentiss:You obviously altered it in photoshop or something. Come on, that hair?
Garcia: Uh, no Pussycat, that's...That's all you. Garfield High class of '89
Prentiss: You really didn't change anything?
Garcia: I hacked it; as is. You're seriously trying to tell me you don't remember rocking that look?
(Prentiss shakes her head as does Garcia. Camera turns to Reid)
Reid: Perhaps your lack of recognition stems fromdissociativeness suffered as a child. (Grins slightly and looks at Garcia)
Say a Suzy and the Banshees concert?
Prentiss: Weird, it's like some other life.

Det. Jarvis: You're a little young, aren't you? No offense.
Reid: None taken. In fact neuroprocessing speeds reach their maximum at around age 15, so when it comes to being affected by crime scenes and other graphic visual input we are all really the same age.

Garcia: If you look to your cursor, you'll notice that it's moving on its own. That's me hacking your secure network. Now I've got her file, now I've got her social, and because you're grumpy, I'm going to send your boss those Jamaican vacation photos. Oh, look at you. No tan lines.

Mr. Corbett: ... Poetry was something they shared. It's Wordsworth. "What though the radiance that was once so bright be now forever taken from thy sight, though nothing can bring back..."
Reid: "Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower; we will grieve not, but rather find strength in what remains behind."

Lo-Fi [3.20]
Prentiss: [speaking about Hotch and Joyner] They, um, liased when she was at Scotland Yard.
JJ: [Nodding] Of course.

The Angel Maker [4.02]
Doctor: The condition can sometimes become permanent
Hotch: But I can go back to work?
Doctor: Putting someone in the field with acute sensitivity to sound can be a mistake. Agent Hotchner, if you are not careful you can lose your hearing entirely.
Hotch: I understand.
Doctor: Good
Hotch: But … you’ll sign my return to duty? [Doctor gives Hotch an unbelievable look] W-what if I said I’ll limit my roll in the field. [Hotch’s phone rings. Hotch continues to look at the Doctor, the Doctor looks up]
Doctor: Your phone is ringing

Reid: That’s one theory
JJ: There’s another?
Reid: Think about who shares the exact DNA makeup of another person
Morgan: Reid you’re not seriously floating around the idea of an evil twin, are you?
Reid: No I’m not. I’m floating the idea of an eviler twin. Traditionally the concept is uh, good twin and evil twin but in this [Morgan shares a look with Prentiss] case its evil twin and eviler twin. [Prentiss & Morgan looks at Reid like he’s crazy & Reid thinks of what he said wrong]

Garcia: Did you know that John Wayne Gacy painted clowns. A murdering ********* paints clowns and people hang them on their walls. It’s creepy on so many levels I mean clowns.
Morgan: I didn’t know you had that hung up.
Prentiss: Coulrophobia- abnormal fear of clowns.
Garcia: Oh no there is nothing abnormal about it. When I was 12 a hobo clown grabbed my breast at a birthday party and made this old tiny honky noise when he did it. Apparently making it funny makes it okay.

Garcia: [Talking about what the Angel Maker sells] Yea, he also made this little origami figurines out of cigarette boxes which I hate to say are really cute.

Prentiss: [Talking about a dead security guard] A little heavy on the old spicy
Morgan: Strikes me as an Aqua Velva guy.
Prentiss: [Picks up bottle] Man, you’re good.

Hotchner: In exchange of his silence he wanted sex
Police Officer: Because she shot him in the junk, right?
Reid: Uh, that and the fact he took a PD5 inhibitor shortly before his murder.
Officer Chief: A what?
Morgan: Viagra

Rossi: [talking about cracking a code] What do you need to crack it?
Reid: The ability to clone myself and a year supply of Adderall.
Rossi: I’ll start the coffee

Reid: They weren’t just close, they were in love.
Rossi: How’d you crack it?
Reid: I profiled the author. Courtland Ryan was on death row with severally high ranking members of the Aryans brotherhood.
JJ: You got the code from the Aryans?
Reid: Either that or you read a lot of 16th century literature. The Aryans like to use a cipher based on a 400 year old code written by Sir Francis Bacon.
Morgan: So it’s a binary code.
Reid: Yea, Bacon used a 21 letter alphabet this one is 24. Each letter is assigned a bit-string of five binary digits. This combination yields 32 possibly encodings. Normally you would use a computer to run all these, but it was much quicker to do it long hand until I found the right one. [Prentiss pokes Reid on the cheek]
Prentiss: He’s so life-like.

Garcia :[Talking about Birth Records of the Angel Makers son] We’ll do single mothers only in case she wanted to keep the father a secret. You know, didn’t want to brag. ‘Oh, your baby daddy’s a third grade teacher? Well mine likes to poke people in the stomach with tools so there.’

JJ: Anyone get directions back to the airstrip?
Morgan: This town’s only got one road, we’ll find it.
Prentiss: Yea, Morgan doesn’t like to follow directions. You didn’t know about that?
Reid: Yea, he likes to vibe it.
Morgan: Okay smartass you drive.
Prentiss: Oh… great.
Reid: Sweet.

Minimal Loss [4.03]
Benjamin Cyrus: Savages they call us, because our manners differs from theirs
Nancy Lunde: We didn't come here to hear you cite scripture, Mr. Cyrus.
Reid: Actually it's Benjamin Franklin.

General Of Colorado: You are obviously not in charge, I can see that.
Officer: I'm sorry, sir. I'm under direct orders from the FBI
General: I'm the Attorney General of this State, I demand to know why I wasn't told that the FBI were sending two undercover agents in the sectarian ranch.
Hotch: The only thing you are in a position to demand is a lawyer.
General: Who the hell are you?
Hotch: I'm Aaron Hotchner, Unit Chief. I'm the guy that's going to tell the Attorney General of the United States to charge you with abstraction of a federal investigation or negligent homicide.
General: You can't talk to me like that.
Hotch: Get off my crime scene.

Paradise [4.04]
Reid: Hey, if you guys are hungry I know a pretty good Indian restaurant that's open all night.
Prentiss: Oh no, I can't. I have a date.
Morgan: You got a date? With who?
Prentiss: My hot tub
Morgan: Oh no, that sounds like a party.
Prentiss: You are so not invited
[Morgan makes an 'ouch' face and slaps himself lightly]
JJ: Hold up you guys.
Reid:... change of plans.

Prentiss: JJ? [Asking about the headphones resting on her womb]
JJ: So the baby can hear.
Prentiss: What's he listening to?
JJ: Beethoven
Reid: I personally preferred Mozart myself, but be careful to limit his exposure to on hour a day, amniotic fluids tend to amplify sounds.
JJ: Thanks for the reminder, Doc.

Garcia: I thought you forgot me. It hurt.

Hotch: Garcia, could you send me a list of-
Garcia: - addresses and phone numbers on its way. Kind of sorry, anything else I could do for you?
Hotch: Not for now.
Reid: Thank you Garcia
Garcia: You, my fine furry friends, are welcome. [Hangs-up]
Hotch: Remind me to have her drug tested

Prentiss: Well, road side hotels defiantly go on my list... of things to never do again.
Reid: You have a list?
Rossi: You don't?

Catching Out [4.05]
Reid: So wait she knew your name?
Morgan: I don’t know how I could forget a face like hers.
Reid: You’ve been with so many girls you can’t remember all their names ?
Prentiss: Oh, come on, are you surprised?
Morgan: This has never happened to me.
Reid: Hasn’t happened to me before either.
Prentiss: It can’t happen to you, you have an eidetic memory.
Morgan: Anyways, you only got one name to remember
Reid: Ahahah [fake laughs]

JJ: He even sleeps in their beds.
Prentiss: It’s like Goldylocks became a serial killer

Hotch: [Enters the conference room and looks at ‘Highway 99 Killer’] Who named him this?
Chief Inspector: I did
JJ: I’m going to go get started on that memo
Reid: I’m going to help you.
[Later]
Reid: How’d he take it?
Hotch: He’ll get over it

52 Pickup [4.09]
Rossi: How does our unsub become loser of the year to Don Juan.
Reid: Actually, as Byron interpreted, Don Jaun was an ironic reversal of sex roles.. and, when.. ... yea that's about it. (Shuts up seeing as he is offtopic)

Hotch: Not only do you represent the FBI you represent this team, the press, the police, and the families who are struggling through the hardest times of their lives. If you get caught on a lie, the trust we depend on, to help slove these crimes, disappears. Do I make myself clear?
Todd: It won't happen again.
Hotch: No it won't
(later)
Todd: So how bad did I just screw up?
Morgan: On a normal scale of 1 to 10, I say a 6. But on Hotch's scale, an 11.

(After meeting Viper for the first time)
Garcia: H...he actually said that? To Prentiss?
Hotch: Yes he did. So what can you tell me about him?
Garcia: I can tell you the Vipers real name is Paul Thomas. And before he rechristen himself, he had a major mullet going on.
(later)
Garcia: Sir, does this stuff actually work on real breathing girls
Hotch: Why are you asking me?
Garcia: I apour the whole chick dig jerk thing.
Hotch: Well, fortunately for you Garcia, you are one of the exceptions.
Garcia: (Flattered) Well, you speckled my heart, so are you sir.
Hotch: (Smiles) Thanks.

Reid: One classic routine the Viper promotes is called the push-pull. He'll insert himself between two women and immediately after complimenting one he'll deliver a sudden insult then pay attention to the other. (Talks to Todd) Those are really nice earrings, I like those.
Tood: Thanks.
Reid: My grandmother also wears a lot of fake jewelry. Ignoring the one women puts her in direct competition between the other to presue more aggressively. Sorry, I was just demonstrating, sorry.

Reid: I think I'll just stay home and mend the tip line. Clubs aren't really my thing.
Morgan: Not a chance, Kid. I need a wing man.
Rossi: Actually there is an other angle we need to pursue.
Hotch: We still don't know what made the victim change his victimnology. What made him stop killing prostitutes and moved into the clubs.
Rossi: The answer might be something in vipers class. But to figure that out we need to profile the teacher
Morgan: You need to bait him to someone he sees as a challenge.
Reid: You need to study his style up close and personal to take someone he is already attracted to. (Reid smiles and everyone looks at Prentiss)
Prentiss: Urg.... Ohh... this is really going to suck (Looks at everyone with a betrayal look).

Prentiss: To be honest I've dated guys worse than Viper.
Hotch: Wow.

Reid: (Talking to girls in a club) When you think about the nature of serial crimes it's amazing that there aren't more sexual predators in the club- excessive amounts of alcohol, countless opportunities for date rape drugs. Not to mention surprisingly risky behaviour. Alright, now who wants a flyer? (All girls walk away) Nobody okay alright.
Morgan: So how's it going?
Reid: Not good. I gave the profile to one women and she asked if I was the unsub. How are you doing?
Morgan: Well I gave all my flyers away.
Reid: How many phone numbers did you get?
Morgan: None. I'm working a case here, kid. (Reid raises his eyebrows jokingly) Okay, four were offered but I didn't take any of them. Alright, let me school you a little bit. What you have to do with this ladies is, just take control of the conversation. When you are talking with a women wake makes you feel like an expert.
Reid: Statistics.
Morgan: No, trust me no, something else.
Reid: Well when I do magic.
Morgan: See, see that's perfect. Chicks dig magic. I'm going to give you a chance to work it.
(later)
Austin: So what do I do if I see him?
Reid: You should call us. Even if you think you see him you should call us.
Austin: And if I don't see him? Can I call you?
Reid: (tiny voice) Yea, you can call me.

Prentiss: Jordan, this is Viper- God's gift to women.
Todd: Well God sure has a sense of humour.

Brothers in Arms [4.10]
Todd: Almost 30% of officers slang are gang related.
Reid: Technically it's closer to 40%

Cold Comfort [4.14]
Garcia: [reading the horoscopes out of the newspaper to Kevin] '... confidence, real or pretend is your magic ingredient.'
Kevin: Confidence! Yes, I like that.
Morgan: Come on guys you don't actually think that there's anything to this stuff, do you?
Kevin: You'd be surprised.
Prentiss: It's jibberish.
Morgan: Thank you.
Garcia: Oh you are just jealous because you don't have the magic ingredient.
Prentiss: I have the magic ingredient. It's called splenda.
Kevin: Alright skeptic, what's your sign.
Morgan: Uh oh.
Prentiss: No.
Garcia: No? Is that in April. Reid, we need a DOB on Prentiss.
Reid: 7:12am on October 12, 19-
Prentiss: Hey!!
Garcia: Hmm... Libra, I should've known. 'A romantic opportunity may experience a slight hitch thanks to the pesky lunar influence which could have you dipping into a rather chilly mood. If begin demonstrative and warm is difficult then neutralize this temporary cold front with a simple but affectionate gesture.
Prentiss: I have a simple gesture. [Flips off]

Pleasure is my Business [4.16]
Reid: Female serial killers are a fancinating field. We don't have much information on them but what we do know involves throwing the rules right out the window. Signature for instance - they don't torture or take trophies.
Morgan: Because there is no sexaul gratification when a women kills.
Reid: Exactly, murder is their goal, they don't have to do anything extra.
JJ: So basically women are more efficient at killing.
Reid: Historically they've had body counts in the hundreds

Ellen Daniels: But I have something better for you assuming you might be willing to look over certain legal niceties. Do you want to buy a house?
Hotch: No.
Ellen Daniels: Yes, you do.

Prentiss: Uh, I don't get it, I thought Hotch said we're going to meet a madame here.
Reid: Actually, there is a lot of overlap between realistate and sex work. Properity is a safe and inspection free investiment for large sums of cash. Your brownstone used to be owned by a gigolo.
Prentiss: Wha-
Madame: Why, hello you two.
Reid: Ahh, are you-
Madame: Isn't this neighbourhood just fabulous. And you are going to love this house. You two need lessons on faking it. I teach a class.

Morgan: (Takes leather dress) Hey Prentiss (Puts leather dress against Emily), got a whip?

Reid: (Awkward) What about... the, um, type of work your employees do? Uh, we are opperating around the assumption this, uh, escort is, uh, killing men who... make her perform ... a spe-specific sexaul act.
Madame: What do you have in mind, sweety?
Reid: I... I don't even know.

Reid:[Talking about the victims fincial records 16 cars, 6 houses and 3 boats. Can you even boat in dallas... ?
Prentiss: But when you are talking about that much money, 10 grande for a call girl is like deciding to go for dinner.
Hotch: Are you there, Garcia?
Garcia: Affrimative.
JJ: I have half a million over here for something called the batcave. And here's a picture of him as fetish batman. ...That is wrong

Megan: Don't compare youself to the men I see. You are nothing like them. You're just another *****.
Hotch: How am I a *****?
Megan: You come when called, you do their bidding.

Morgan: (Talking about Megan finding out about her dad having a call girl) How'd she find out?
Katherine: Andrew (Megan's father) left his wife because of me. Of course, (Offended, Jelous, Diasspointed look) he married someone else.

Gacia: Guys, I might have something. Andrew Kane just reserved a room at the Wilmore Hotel, room 2257 to be exact. Could I have an ick-ick-icky on making an appointment with your own daughter.

Demonology [4.17]
Prentiss: Hotch still in here?
Garcia: Oh, I'm pretty sure he lives here.

Conflicted [4.20]
Hotch: We'll make people aware without causing panic.
JJ: Stress hypervigliance, the whole buddy system- yea, I'm all over it- I just don't think anyone is going to listen
Reid: What do you mean?
JJ: Come on, drunk college students don't exactly want to hear they shouldn't talk to strangers
Reid: Right.
Prentiss: Was there any DNA left on the scene?
Garcia: Uh, yea, too much DNA. This portion of the Garcia brought you by "I" for Icky. The lab has recovered over 100 different trace samples. As multiple guests creating a cesspool of DNA, so there is no way to determine the exact time of "secretion" or to eliminate anyone actually working at the hotel.

Morgan: Adam Jackson? Your manager said we can find you up here. [shows FBI Badge]
Adam: I.. uh... I get migraines [Has rolled weed in his hand]

Garcia: [Watching a clip] Victim number 1, I would like to call him Jerkface, seemingly making advances at danzel in distress aka hotel employee Madison Cook. See Jerkface grab danzel, see Adam Jackson, let's call him White Knight, intervene. See Jerkface knock White Knight down, see White Knight pause, see White Knight go postal.

Garcia: Adam Jackson life reads like a "How to make an Unsub Manuel"

Reid: Adam, let's talk about the fight with the fist victim, William Browder.
Adam: There's nothing to tell, he grabbed Madison, I tried to stop him.
Reid: That guy was pretty big...
Adam: So?
Reid: Adam, guys like you and I, we aren't exactly the fighting type.

Reid: Does she[Julie] pay for the drugs also?
Adam: I... I.. told you, I get migraines.
Reid: So, take a prescription.
Adam: I thought you were different.

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